“First, there’s the weird contradiction of a report full of damning findings — but a special prosecutor who judged all that to be insufficient evidence to indict…”

It seems you have fallen into the trap of believing the conservative spin.

The report does NOT say that there is insufficient evidence to indict.

It says that a sitting president cannot be indicted for ANY crime.

It further states — explicitly — that the evidence DOES NOT exonerate Trump on the question of obstruction, and the he CAN be charged with criminal obstruction as soon as he leaves office.